DOUBLE TAKE

I find myself triggered this morning by what I know to be a story behind which is fear. The actual story doesn’t matter … It’s about parenting, about life skills, about learning to trust, learning to let go, learning to step out of the way. It’s about practicing what I preach, practicing what I believe in, practicing what I know unequivocally when I still my mind and go within.

And this morning it hurts. This morning it is bringing tears. A lump in my throat, tightness in my jaw, a weight on my chest, frowning on my brow… and these lines!

There is anger there, but the anger is nothing but fear taking a different guise. A roar, a silent one because in my surroundings I can’t let it out. But also silent because behind it, is another layer of me, an ever lasting, ever level, ever holding, ever welcoming part of me. A silent and vibrant part that has the capacity to listen and to understand, yet not judge the story or my reaction to it. That has the capacity to be a witness yet no feel the emotional charge. It has the capacity to be there for me and love me endlessly, unwaveringly and be unaffected by circumstances.

Do the tears want be shed? Maybe.

Does the roar want to be unleashed? We’ll see.

Does the weight want to be lifted? Absolutely!

The inner part of me is not demanding. It has no request from me. Whether my experience is that I stay with, I linger on or even that I, somewhat perversely, relish in my story, or whether I choose to let it be just that, a story, probably a very formative one, that is up to me. My inner self will not try to influence my reaction to it, the outcome of it, how much I invest of myself in it or for how long. It stays here by my side, Being, supporting and Loving me whatever I choose to do, whatever my take on life is.

It is such a relief to know of the existence of my inner self, but those words are not spoken from my inner self’s perspective. My inner self doesn’t differentiate between the various parts of me. It doesn’t classify them as good, bad, better or worse. It doesn’t label them nor does it grade them in any shape or form. My inner self knows that my human experience is a facet of itself. It knows that each experience  adds to its richness and welcomes them all equally.

But I am living a human experience and as such I have free will to choose the colour and texture of my life. Regardless of the content, of the circumstances, which sometimes don’t fit my interpretation of ideal, the perspective I take always remains my choice. My inner self will never be judge or condemn that choice because it doesn’t see any polarity or any separation. It knows itself to be not part of me but me in a different light.

Right now, from my human perspective, aware of my free will, I make that choice a conscious one towards unity and harmony. I am choosing deliberately to see myself as one, with an internal levelling and all knowing system. I am choosing to embrace and welcome the wellbeing that it generates and to share it trustingly through all dimensions of my being, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

And if my emotions surface and bring temporary turmoil, I’ll choose to welcome them as they come, to witness them with as much non-judgement as I can muster, to process them in body, mind and spirit and to then part from them with Love, knowing deeply that All is (always) well and that Life is happening FOR me and not to me.